A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
You Might Also Like
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.