@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
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@samalmightysam: I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
@bdbdleeroybrown: Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
@aparnapkin: "Doctor, how bad is it?" "I mean, you're just not a great singer. I don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is."