@Storminika: A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I'm like 'Well, your Dad's an alcoholic. Scram!'
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@Jandalize: Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
@WittySassBasket: I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
@atanya1111: "Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl" - me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.