A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!