A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”