A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?