A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.