@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
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@markleggett: I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America's shield. That's probably his weak point.
@TheTumblrPosts: Me: I'm a confident driver Friend: You almost just ran someone over Me: Confidently tho
@skittle624: State Farm Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I'm not there, and let's have as little interaction as possible.
@KalvinMacleod: I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse's head.