@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
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@LeonEarlgrey: baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There's no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."
@chrizmillr: Weird how Superman's an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
@YSK_MOtiVe: My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It's pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake