@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
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@SveldtSmelt: I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
@bossy_bootz: I notice you only call when you want something Person calling: ma'am your bill is 90 days past due
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
@JohnLyonTweets: Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers! *thinks about not having to pause TV or games* *orders some*