“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Vodka burrito was a success
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.