Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.