Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Don’t forget to tip your server
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.