Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.