A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
#gardening
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”