A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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britain’s three elite institutions
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*launders Kohls cash*
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.