A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
You Might Also Like
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Anyone really
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.