A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Just a phase…
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats