A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?