@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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@kevinrowe1: At my age, a new driver's license doesn't have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven't Expired On date.
@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@hammbone84: Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
@Sarcasticsapien: Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can't even do being unconscious right.