@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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@Rick_IZ: People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer Just throw it out. I'll print it again.
@brianbowman73: How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.
@dafloydsta: [asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?
@gojarbe: [on a date] me: what's your favorite book series about a big red dog? her: uhh Clifford, i guess me: wow we have a lot in common