A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*