A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!