A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My Sentiments Exactly
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.