A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.