A leaf blower, but for people.
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‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers