A leaf blower, but for people.
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas