A leaf blower, but for people.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.