A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You Might Also Like
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise