A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.