A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i spent way too long on this
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The pen is writier than the sword.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in