A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.