I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
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Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.