Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that