look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.