Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]