I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Worst perfume name ever.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.