@omgthatspunny: A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
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@AtticusFinch79: 🎶I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶 *tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud* Him: Is that a new shampoo?
@Rebecca8672: Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid's Principal if he'd like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you're holding in your hand.
@Jake_Sniff: [girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan
@thenatewolf: Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip*