A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…