A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane