A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It be like that sometimes 😆
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Weirdos gonna weird.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat