A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.