@juliussharpe: A little bird told me I'm on LSD and talking to a bird.
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@AudreyPorne: a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.