@juliussharpe: A little bird told me I'm on LSD and talking to a bird.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
@TheToddWilliams: [interview] BOSS: How many words can you type a minute? ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Well, like for example, pickle
@MrGynosaur: Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can't find them so they cry
@pattymo: GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is BAD COP: He's trying to get on your side so you confess GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank