A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The morning after pill, but for tweets