A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?