@goldengateblond: Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."

@Fred_Delicious: Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

@jctwritesstuff: [Speed date] Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house? Him: I uh... I don't... Me: NEXT

@stephenjmolloy: [Interrogation room] Good cop: "Confess and we will go easy on you" Sweet tooth cop: "You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!" *runs outside*

@ShaneKnowsStuff: I don't know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.