God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…