@darinlovesbacon: Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@phalguy: I just watched a tumbleweed get blown across the road. I'm so jealous.

@maughammom: I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

@NoorShamma: You're not a mistake. Mistakes can be fixed. You're hopeless.

@bopinklady: Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows