Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order