A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*