If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Mmmm canned fish.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.