@Mr_Mike_Clarke: A little too much information.
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@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@NotARatsAss: Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively. My dentist didn't appreciate it, but yours might.
@suzieQ0007: Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.