A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not