A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
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Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Sign of the day..
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard