A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Finally!
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.