A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
You Might Also Like
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back