A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
awkward
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone