A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.