A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.