A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My spirit animal is fried chicken
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire